I'm So Confused
11/28/10
I have always walked through life in a bit of a daze. This has revealed itself in many ways, for example, following directions. As a child I remember being a little confused at every turn. My clearest memory of this was at school during one of the art periods. We stayed seated at our desks while the teacher showed us how to cut and fold construction paper into the shape of a birdcage. She carefully demonstrated every step as the class followed along with our little dull-nosed scissors. Everyone except me. Even though I anxiously followed her every move, I was getting behind. Did she just fold that part in our out? I panicked. Twenty precisely folded construction paper birdcages soon ensued. Number 21 was mine. It was lopsided and limp and couldn't even stand up on the desk like the rest. "You weren't following directions!" the teacher admonished across the room. Then came the grown-up things like trying to fill out college applications, tax forms, correctly following a road map, understanding politics and more. It's been explained to me by the "experts" that stress sends me spiraling into a state of disconnect. Adding that to a brain with "white spots" revealed on an MRI, common in the aging, has created a mind that is most of the time, confused. This has been most apparent the last few weeks as I've been learning a new job as a Surgery Department Ward Clerk. Although I was told I have been impressing them with an ability to learn quickly, they have no idea what I've been through! There has been the stress part. "Oh! I'm sorry Mam. You aren't here for resection of the prostate after all. My mistake." The trying to follow directions part. "Doctor, did you say you wanted me to move that procedure back or ahead two hours? I've never really gotten that back vs ahead concept. You've already done that one? Oops." I get confused about how many bananas to get at the store so how I'm I going to get all this straight? The fog comes in and wraps itself in a little cacoon around my brain. Every day I feel tired and dazed and peer out through little breaks in the fog and continue to impress them with how fast I learn. I am truely amazing
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