KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE!

Tink of zem ass badgis not wreenkles,” the department store (postmenopausal) eastern European cosmetician said to me, one eyebrow raised as she assessed my skin for it’s first makeover/camouflage session. This matronly and I'm sure, good hearted woman, was bent on equating my wrinkles to badges of honor, remnants of the joys and heartbreaks of raising children. She continued enthusiastically, “Zink of zis wrinkle ass your children and zis one ass your grandchildren!"  Please! Let’s not try to put a positive spin on this. Not totally by choice, I have no children/granchildren. What I have are wrinkles. They are there because I rotisseried my youthful supple body under the sun, worried way too much (I have a gift), and my only ovary went AWOL. I am seriously thinking of spackling the crevices and then, with the putty knife, dabbing on a bit of that pancake makeup they use in theaters.  Note my “About Me” picture. This is loss of skin elasticity, which I have bravely demonstrated for you. My connective tissue has forgotten what it is supposed to connect. Oh I know, I know. Some people have no skin and would be happy to have mine, even if it can’t hold on to their face very well. I’d be happy to donate some. See how thoughtful I am?

I'M SO VAIN

Keeping up appearances is really a matter of pulling or pushing everything up.  There are creams to tighten and pull up our sagging skin, plastic surgeons to pull up our faces, necks, and butts, and a variety to bras to push up our bosoms.  I love the word bosom.  Rex gazed lustily at her ample bosom.  

I have begun, in contrast to my past, to feel vain.  I am turning into one of "those" woman who has to fix up her face before leaving the house, even to sit on the patio.  Really, who knows who could pop into my backyard at any moment; maybe Sting and Bono.  "Hallo Diana! We were in the neighborhood so...wait!  You look absolutely fabulous!"  I have become a consumer of "age defying makeup."  Before sitting down to an iced tea on my patio, I must apply SPF moisturizer, mascara, and blush.  Getting groceries requires all of the above PLUS under-eye concealer, bronzing powder, and lip gloss.  To go out to dinner I add eye shadow and foundation.  What causes me a bit of concern is what I do to prepare for going to my job as a ward clerk.  I'm talking about going to work at 5:30 a.m. where I see mostly sick people all day!  Even without foundation, I am literally glowing next to those about to undergo a surgical procedure.  

I decided to forego the foundation one morning, you know, try not to rub salt in the wounds of the ailing, when about midmorning a nurse said, "Diana, are you feeling okay?  You look so pale."  My first inclination was to play that card and reply that yes, I was feeling ill and needed to go home.  "Oh," I answered, "that's just my natural yellow, aging, death pallor."  The next morning, the foundation was back on.