I AGE THEREFORE I AM: FashionIFTA

IF I didn't have this extra 8 pounds, IF I was 20 years younger, IF I had more money, IF I had longer legs, THEN I could dress better. As a partial result of an injured foot and not being able to walk much, my bulge continues to inflate; therefore, I find myself at a loss when it comes to dressing myself. How to dress has always been one of my many challenges (for proof, see closet picture), and what with cellulite, muffin top, loosening skin, etc., it has become even more perplexing as I don't know how old or young to dress. So while shopping yesterday with my fashion savvy friend, Deb, I was shocked to learn that I could consider wearing a youthful little short dress (located ALMOST in the junior section) with leggings (my husband has been trying to get me to do this for five years). Really. Has Deb taken an ever so tiny step into a future of dementia? I tried it on. It's sleeveless and my newly cellulited arms look like pale sausages popped out of their casings while hanging up to dry. The next day I pick out another youthful dress with sleeves this time, bring it home, put on my new leggings and stand before my husband. "Aren't those supposed to come down all the way over your feet?" he wonders pointing to the leggings. I explain that some do but these are IN right now. "Hmmm," he frowns pensively at the dress, "they look so different on the hangers." Of course then, are the issue of shoes. Due to an unfortunate (you may cringe here) lawnmower incident in 1999, one of my feet is an inch smaller then the other. Combine that with age-related foot problems brought on from well, age, plus a tendon injury brought on by well, age, finding that delicate little shoe to go with that youthful little dress and leggings is, well, it's making me tired. Maybe old-age uniforms would be a good idea. My grandmothers always wore "housedresses" and "old lady shoes" and so did all their friends. Wouldn't that be nice.